How does this keep happening!? You knew you didn’t want to go to that event… help out with that thing… didn’t have time to get across town in time for that meeting! But you said you would go…do it… be there anyway.
Why do we say “Yes” when we really need to say “No”? More importantly, how can we stop doing that without pissing people off or seeming selfish?
The Difficulty of Setting Limits.
I’ve always admired people who can gracefully set limits with others. But for sensitive peeps it can be tough! Setting limits is difficult because whenever we ask for something, or say no to another person’s request, it demands that we momentarily tolerate the disappointment and discomfort of the other person.
Think about if for a second. Imagine you are sitting across from me, and I need a pen that sits on the table between us. If I ask you to pass me the pen, you have two choices: A. You can pass me the pen, thus choosing to take on the discomfort and earn my approval, or B. You can say “no, I am unwilling to pass you the pen” thus having to tolerate my disappointment.
Saying “no” is difficult because saying “yes” is rewarded (e.g. a smile, a “thank you”), but saying “no” is punished (e.g. a frown, a “oh really? C’mon!”)
Healthy Boundaries: Balancing the comfort of both parties over time.
You may think: “I don’t want to make waves.” Or “It’s just easier if I do it myself.” But this way of deflecting short-term discomfort can lead to longer-term problems in the relationship.
Being effective means getting your needs met, while maintaining the relationship with the other person. Too often, we error towards one side or the other. When we choose our needs (and comfort) too often, it can burden the strength of the relationship. When we choose the relationship (other person’s comfort) too often, we can get caught in, what I call ‘over-offerer’ syndrome, which can lead to resentment.
How to decide if you are Over-Offering.
Sometimes it’s hard to decide whose comfort we should chose; if we should push for what we want, or just go with the flow. The decision should be made based on the totality of the type and strength of the relationship. By adding the components below, you can more clearly define which way to lean.
|YOUR COMFORT: Ask / Say No||THEIR COMFORT: DON’T Ask / DON’T Say No|
The Skill of Effective Assertiveness
So HOW do we push through the discomfort and increase the likelihood of getting what we want, without creating so much discomfort in the other person as to lose the relationship? Here are the 3 Simple Steps to effective assertiveness that I teach all of my clients:
The VAR Skill
Step 1. Validate the other person’s side of things.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Consider and acknowledge the discomfort you will be imposing on the other person. Validation (acknowledging, honoring) is the lubricant for getting the outcome you desire.
People are more willing to do things they feel are acknowledged as difficult, rather than expected and the difficulty minimized.
HOW: As much as possible, start with a validation statement: “It’s such a bummer I can’t be there,” or “I know you are super busy, so I hate to bother you…” or “I can understand where you are coming from on this.” Or just a simple “I hear you.”
Step 2. Assert: Ask or say “no” clearly, directly, and behaviorally.
State your request, or your decline specifically, and behaviorally. This can be the hardest part because we feel awkward and anxious about imposing or disappointing.
But clear communication is good for everyone. People feel good when they can check the box and say to themselves “Done!” Asking specifically and behaviorally reduces the discomfort of uncertainty for the other person, and increases the likelihood that they will agree to your request.
HOW: Figure out the specific actions you need from the other person, which would give you what you want. If saying “no”, don’t just describe how you feel about doing it. Actually say “no”.
Step 3. Reinforce: Tell them what’s in it for them!
Reinforce the behavior or the understanding you desire. The idea is to make them feel good for giving you what you want. Tell them what’s in it for them!
HOW: This might be a simple negotiation offer. E.g. “If you do this for me, I will do this for you.” Or, if the relationship is a strong one, simply telling the person how much it would help you for them to do this for you. When saying “no,” a simple “thanks so much for understanding,” goes a long way.
Practice with Small Stuff First
As with any skill, it will not necessarily be easy to master mindful assertiveness at first. Start by just noticing when you are over-offering. Then practice with small requests and refusals before going for something big like a raise or a promotion!
Like shooting hoops in basketball, there are no guarantees that you will get what you need every time. But being skillful will definitely improve your odds!
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